too sad to be alone

I am so sad. So depressed that I feel like you are too hard on me. So hurt that I feel like you don’t really care at all.

All I wish you’d do is be there and not fight back. To run after me when i walk away. To.. just.. hug me when everything seems to hurt me. To hug me tight for all the pain that I am feeling right now to just be gone. I feel alone. I shouldn’t be, I know. I have Him. Period. It’s just that I am too sad to be alone. Alone in my room. With nothing to do. Hurt. All I can do is cry. Continue crying. Every minute, I’d stop to cry again.

It’s insane for me to put my phone in silent mode then keep on looking at it to check if you texted me or not. And it saddens me more that you don’t. Because I keep on pushing you away. Why can’t you.. why can’t you run after me? Why can’t you just STAY even though I ask you not to? I WANT YOU TO STAY. WITH ME. BESIDE ME.. although I keep on pushing you away, on staying away from you, on asking you to leave me, on telling you that I want to be alone. CAN’T YOU SEE? I keep on doing that because I want you to stay instead. I want to feel you more. To see you more. But how? How can I feel you or see you more if you aren’t there when I push you away. I feel like it’s too easy for you to do that-to stay away..from me. Why? Am I that too hard to handle? Or am I just overthinking right now that I get to over react on things? That I tend to worsen the situations?

I don’t know.
I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t understand anyone anymore.
I don’t know.

I am too sad to be alone. Too hurt to be alone. Too confused to be alone.